本心の見え隠れする扇かな                         岩井善子
honshin no miekakure suru ôgi kana                Iwai, Yoshiko

real intention
seen on and off behind
the painted Japanese fan

まるで扇で煽ぐたびに人の心が見え隠れするかのよう。そんなことはないのだが。With each wave of the fan, the person’s feelings seem to appear and disappear, although that’s not really so.

いつせいに靡きたる葉や杜若                                横山幸子
issei ni nabikitaru ha ya kakitsubata             Yokoyama, Yukiko

all at once
the leaves swayed —
purple water iris

作者は「たる」が重苦しいことに気づかなければならない。そこでどうするか。
いつせいに風になびくや」で十分。つまり「葉」が細かすぎ。

 The poet should be aware that the “taru” in “nabikitaru” feels ponderous.  So what should be done? The word “leaves” is too detailed. It would be sufficient to say

いっせいに風になびくや杜若
issei ni kaze ni nabiku ya kakitsubata

all at once
swaying in the wind —
purple water iris

自転車で抜きつ抜かれつ夏に入る                    矢野京子
jitensha de nukitsu nukaretsu natsu ni iru          Yano, Kyoko

on bicycles
surging ahead, falling behind
entering summer

Comment by Hasegawa Kai:

「自転車で抜きつ抜かれつ」の勢いが心地よい。中学生か高校生か。ただ「夏に入る」はその勢いそのまま。結果、素直なだけの句になった。ここでもっと間をとって転じてもよい。何とするか、自分で考えてください。

The vigorous rhythm of leaving behind or being overtaken is pleasant. They must be junior or senior high school students. However the expression “entering summer” just follows the rhythm, resulting in a very simple haiku. It would be good to pause here and change the mood. Think for yourself what you should do.

麦焼きの煙の中に子ら遊ぶ                       三木桂子
mugiyaki no kemuri no naka ni kora asobu        Miki, Keiko

in the smoke
of burning barley
children play

Comment by Hasegawa Kai:

情景は想像できるが、「麦焼き」がややこなれず。ここは「麦殻焼く」などと丁寧にいうほうがいい。
I can imagine the scene, but “burning barley” is a little too abrupt. You should be more exact and say “burning barley chaff”.

迷子札しかと縫ひ付け更衣                            三木紀幸
maigo fuda shika to nuitsuke koromogae          Miki, Kikô

*maigo fuda　a child's identification tag.

identification tag
firmly sewn on new summer clothes
seasonal change of clothing

Comment by Hasegawa Kai:

新しい夏服にも迷子札を縫いつける。読み古された更衣だが、おもしろいところに気がついた。

With the change into summer clothes, a child's identification tag is sewn onto them. The season word “seasonal change of clothing” is repeatedly used in haiku, but this haiku’s viewpoint is interesting.

燕来る主ひそかに老重ね　　　　　早川ひでお
tsubame kuru aruji hisokani oi kasane Hideo hayakawa

swallows come —
the master of the house grows old
unobtrusively

「ひそかに」に嘆きの声がひそんでいるだろう。

The word “unobtrusively” could suggest the grief of the poet.

そのほか。投句のなかに「若葉風」「新樹光」などという言葉がいくつもありました。これはよく使われますが安易。本来「若葉」「新樹」といえば風や光も感じるもの。５音にしたいのならもっと工夫を。

In other haiku, season words like “wakaba kaze” (young leaves wind), “shinju kô”(newly green tree light) were often used, but used too freely. We naturally can feel ‘wind’ or ‘light’ from the young leaves or newly green trees. If you want to use five syllables words, you should be more creative.